Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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