there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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