I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
