Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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