dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
