We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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