You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
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It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
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And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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