I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
We had sex on a dog bed..
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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