I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
