Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I want to walk on stilts...naked
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
i need to put some appletini on your dick
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
