so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
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Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
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Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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