I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
