I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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