my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Randomize
