i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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