Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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