He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
