His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
