Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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