I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
