Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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