Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
