I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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