if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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