So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
