My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
