shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
