my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
