I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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