Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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