I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
