i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
