Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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