I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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