I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
