i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
