I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
My vagina is officially offended.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
