Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
