Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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