Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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