Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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