How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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