I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
