I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
