I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
