I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Every concussion has its silver lining
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
