I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
