i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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