And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Betty ford says i'm here all night
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
