Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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