At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
