So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
