If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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