I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
