We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
why does every cop we meet know your name?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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