He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
