my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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