Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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