That's intense
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
no you cant smoke seaweed
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
